Last night, one of my best friends called and we talked overnight. She was very sad and needed someone to give her some suggestions on how she should resolve the conflicts between her and her fiancé, or more precisely, between her and her future mother-in-law. I have totally no idea how to help my friend, so I’m here to tell her story and ask for your suggestions.
My friend, Monica, met her boyfriend Andrew in a hall activity two years ago. Like every romance story, they fell in love at the first sight. Andrew was a gentleman and had a good sense of humor, and Monica was pretty and brilliant. They got along very well, and Andrew took Monica to meet his parents several times. Monica got quite well with Andrew’s family at the beginning. Everything went perfect. This summer, Andrew proposed and they planned to get married right after Andrew graduates from medicine school. In the meantime, Monica graduated and found a position in bank. The job paid her really well, but it also occupied most of her time. Monica became very busy. Since they were engaged, Andrew hoped Monica could get closer to his family, and even introduced Monica to his grandparents and the rest of his big family. They had quite a lot of gatherings, which Monica tried, despite her hectic schedule, to participate in. However, Andrew’s family still found it was hard to meet his fiancée, and Andrew’s mum had complained about it. However, Monica also felt that it is meaningless to visit Andrew’s family so frequently. She got tired of commuting from the city center to Andrew’s home in Yew Tee. It got especially tiresome, since it was common for her to have to work overtime.
The main conflict happened in early August. A male friend of Monica’s was waiting for campus accommodation, and had to sleep in Monica and her friend’s living room for about three days. Nothing occurred until Monica told this to Andrew’s mother in a casual conversation in another family gathering. His mother reacted extremely angrily about a male living in Monica’s home. She, in front of all family members, screamed at Monica, “You are such a profligate girl! How can you let other man live in your room? I won’t allow a dirty girl to enter my family!” Monica felt it was a total grievance that Andrew’s mum had judged her. She snapped back immediately. They had a huge quarrel that night, and Andrew’s mother slapped in Monica’s face in the end.
Andrew was caught in between the two women he cherished most in the world. He is the kind of person who never argues with his parents, so he went to reason with Monica. Monica, however, felt she did no wrong in the case, and insisted on her principles. She refused to apologize to Andrew’s mum. The couple broke up.
One week later after that night, both Monica and Andrew could not stand the grief of losing their soulmates, and decided to get back together. Monica persisted on not apologizing to Andrew’s mum, but forgave her misjudgment. Besides the fact that it was embarrassing to meet her mother-in-law, Monica still had a busy life. She got up at around six and got off from work at eleven every night. Her career just started and she felt much pressure. To visit Andrew’s family was so difficult for Monica, as she felt the time and psychological constraints. However, on Andrew’s part, he considered Monica narrowed-minded and disrespectful to his mother. They had a fight last night and broke up again.
The couple was supposed to get married next year, and it is extremely sad for them to go their separate ways. As friend of both, I also felt sorry. Monica is going to return Andrew the engagement ring. Should I stop her? Do you think there is irreconcilable conflict between them and do they deserve a break up? If not, what should Monica do to save the relationship? Monica and Andrew will appreciate it very much if you have advice for them.
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Hello Dongfang,
ReplyDeletethis is really a huge conflict, for it concerns 2 person's future! It does seem to me that both Monica and Andrew are quite stubborn. Their relationship can be saved, but only if they compromise. Should they both compromise, things may not end up like this. Monica, being young, tends to be more open-minded, whereas Andrew's Mother's perspective and thinking may be more on the traditional side. If Monica could give in a little by apologizing, she could salvage that situation. Next, Monica could try balancing her work and social life. While I know her career is important to her, I believe Andrew's Mother is looking for a good wife for her son, and a good daughter-in-law. So in this aspect, perhaps she can try to understand the differences in their values, and maybe spend some time with Andrew's family. Who knows maybe after giving in, they may welcome her with open arms!
Hi Dongfang,
ReplyDeleteThis does seem to be a pretty tangled up situation. But strange as you might think, I would suggest that they should no longer be together.
Why do I think so? Andrew, as a guy could not defend his fiance in front of his mum. It is hard enough for Monica to have to speak for herself in front of his angsty mum. The least he could do in that situation is to calm things down, explain what the situation is really like in Monica's house. It is not like there was only Monica and her male friend. There were also other girls and he was only sleeping in the living room.
If he couldn't even defend his fiance before marriage, what else can he do in the future. I would think it is a better decision for Monica to step out now than to marry him because this will happen again in the future. It would be a lot messier when they have kids and settled down with each other. I don't think I can trust such a guy to protect me, if I were Monica.
To me, if a guy choose to marry a girl, it means setting up a family with her. His family is with her and no longer the former. Well, it doesn't need to be this harsh if he can handle it well. But if he continues to side his mum in events like this, or to keep quiet, I would have to say that his marriage with his wife would not work out because it will lead to a lot of quarrels and discomfort.
So, to me, better now than 10 years later.
That's my 2 cents. I'm sorry if I sounded harsh.
Maybe I didn't quite use the lessons in EI about trying to communicate and giving in, but I think, sometimes taking a step back might be the way out.
Hi Dongfang,
ReplyDeleteI think Monica and Andrew should re-evaluate their relationship and see whether they really want to stay together or they really want to part. I feel that this decision is not something we can help them decide. Instead, they should see if this is something worth giving up the relationship for. Is her job or one misunderstanding with his mother worth giving up a relationship for?
If they want to stay together, I think Monica should apologise to Andrew's mother so that the whole fracas can come to a conclusion. I know that she doesn't think that it is wrong but I'm sure when she calms down, she'll see why Andrew's mother made a big deal out of it.
Andrew should also try and defend/put in a good word for Monica in front of his mother, rather than just sit back and allow his mother to humiliate his fiancee in front of all his family members. That was something I found rather distasteful. This lack of support is something Andrew should work on.
Of course, this is just my opinion. I hope this helps Monica and Andrew.
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ReplyDeleteHi Dongfang,
ReplyDeleteI think this conflict is mainly caused by the so called "generation gap". If they want to save their relationship, either Monica or Andrew's mother should say sorry to the counterpart. And I think Monica should do this, though she is not wrong. Here is the reason. Firstly, it is really hard for Andrew's mother to change her mind on this thing as she is conservative. Secondly, it is not very appropriate to wait for an elder person to say sorry to Monica. Though both of them are not wrong from their own perspectives, Monica should put herself in Andrew's mother's shoes. Furthermore, if she really loves Andrew, it shouldn't be a big issue to say sorry.
Another thing is that Andrew should play a very important role in solving this conflict, as he is the one that has connections between Monica and his mother. Maybe he could say more good things about Monica in front of his family. In this case, I believe Monica can feel his caring, and try to treat his mother better.
Hope this helps.
Thank you, Dongfang, for this very interesting scenario. You do a great job of narrating the story and detailing each aspect of the conflict, from the players in the drama to their motivations. You have also received good clear feedback. This is really an exceptional effort!
ReplyDeleteBy the way, is this case in China, or elsewhere? Knowing the cultural background of the people involved would help me analyze the situation (though I'm leaving the commentary in that regard to your classmates).
Dear Brad,
ReplyDeletethe story happens in Singapore.and it was narrated by my friend over the phone.I tried to be fair to write the story, though my friend might despair and was angry when she told me about this.